Shabbat Shalom
November 25, 2006

When I first decided to give today's D'var Torah, I of course had to ask Eric and he very happily said, Sure Dad..….under one condition, .... please don't make it too long….. I also needed the Rabbi's blessing. He also gladly agreed...but also had a small request... try if you can to relate it to the Torah, it’s not absolutely necessary, but it would be nice. So I will be honoring both of those requests this morning which is a very special celebration for Eric and our family and for our community as well. It is fitting that this morning Eric's Torah portion is about families. The portion as Eric told us is named Toldot which means offspring or generations. It is from the book of Genesis which introduces us to our ancestors and their families, their relationships, their experiences, and their struggles. It is about the people closest to us that shape and influence our lives be it our parents, our siblings, our spouses, or our children. This window that allows us to look into our ancestor’s lives serves as a mirror to look into our own lives and our relationship with our own families. One of those relationships is that of siblings, brothers and sisters.

I am the oldest of three siblings. I have two sisters both of whom are present today. Hundreds of miles separate us in this massive country, and today I consider myself blessed to have them here. Now about 30 to 35 years ago during our childhood years, I would likely have been singing a different tune. I would have been telling you how unfortunate it was at times to even be in the same room with them. I might have told you how we punched one another or how we yelled and elbowed each other as we sat three in a row in the back seat of our car during long trips. I’m sure you all familiar with that invisible and imaginary property line that defines your seat in the car, and of course, your personal space. Crossing it had consequences. I am certain my parents were praying for a prompt arrival to our destination so that the arguing and the tumult in the back seat would end. I was thrilled when our family graduated to a station wagon. Now at least one of us could have our own seat. I might have relished in telling you how I frightened my sisters at night by making silhouettes of monsters on their bedroom ceiling with my hand and a flashlight.
Today, we are three very different individuals with different personalities, different careers, and different interests. I believe we know where each other stands on certain issues, and I think we try to be sensitive to those feelings. The competition, feelings of jealousy, and verbal sparring that was part of our childhood has abated. I would like to think we have ripened with age as we truly do enjoy being with each other now. We have even vacationed together, except it’s now our children that are fighting for that coveted middle seat in the minivan.

If I stop and think for a moment, who did I spend the most amount of time with as a child besides my parents? For me and for many of us here, it will have been our brothers and sisters. Conjure up any childhood memory and your sibling will likely appear. They may, over the years, have been many things to each of us… a friend, a companion, a role model, maybe a teacher…I remember Alex while in his crib at the age of three giving his younger sister explicit instructions on how to climb out of her crib. Now Becca and I had to worry about two children running free in our house while we slept. They might have been our protector or maybe a competitor- who was the better athlete or who received more A’s on their report card. Or perhaps a confidant- in my case I married into a family of four girls and a boy that had a…… "sister’s honors club". These childhood sibling relationships can and do influence how we deal with our adult contacts, be it a coworker, a teacher, or a spouse. Teamwork among siblings can foster teamwork in the sport of life.

Adversity between brothers and sisters has been present since the beginning of time, but the love among brothers and sisters may be the most lasting of any human relationship. Psychologists and experts in human behavior have described it as less demanding than that of our parents, children or spouse. It can be a source of solace and strength during our periods of grief and misfortune. Brothers and sisters are those with which we most naturally share any of our small or large achievements. In a world that is becoming more and more daunting, vast, and unpredictable, we should realize that those relationships from the past become the stability we will come to rely on. Significant life events ( a wedding, death of a family member, divorce, birth of grandchildren, illness, and bar mitzvahs , like today's simcha, and our recent Thanksgiving holiday that has brought our family together---like Becca said) these are the events in life that give us a reason to reconnect with our brothers and sisters. Fighting about mundane things like who gets the front seat of the car to more intellectual issues like politics is one thing, but a day will come when more complex issues will arise like financial matters, or how to raise your children, or caring for an ill or disabled parent.

Almost 2 years ago I found myself sitting at the bedside of my father, may he rest in peace, during the last days of his life battling cancer, and right up until his very last breath ...who was at his bedside with me besides my mother? My two sisters, the ones I argued and fought with as a child, there they were to say good-bye to one of the two people who gave us our common link, a stark reminder that we were of the same flesh and blood. Reflecting on those painful days this last Yom Kippur my mother said to me…” you know what helped me get through your father’s illness? What? I asked. My Mom said “talking to my brother every day, sometimes three times a day. Now you should know that my Mom and her brother, my other Uncle Jorge are 11 years apart in age. You should also know that her brother lives in Buenos Aires, Argentina almost 6000 miles from Chicago, a 12 hour plane ride. Thank goodness for discount phone programs and the internet. It has been said time and again…”Be nice to your brothers and sisters, they are your strongest link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future”.

Besides competing for attention, sibling rivalry can also be the result of how our parents treat us. One of the most sensitive and difficult to breach issues among parents is that of favoritism. The Torah is not silent about this. It says in no uncertain terms: “Esau grows up to be a cunning hunter, a man of the field; Jacob is a wholesome man, a dweller in the tents of learning. ......and Isaac loved Esau but Rebecca loved Jacob”. ……. So Esau is a hunter. Jacob is a scholar. As you know Jacob with the help of his mother tricks his father into giving him the all important blessings. Some Torah interpretations will argue that as Isaac was handing over the Jewish legacy to the next generation, he might actually have known it was Jacob and not his brother. As Eric mentioned, some commentaries assert that it was actually God who chose Jacob over Esau, but in its simplest form the struggle and the angst between these two brothers still remained. The story of Jacob and Esau demonstrates not only the differences between the two siblings, but also, the differences in the way that their parents relate to them. Well in today's world just like in ancient times, children notice those things and can come to resent their siblings for these parental attitudes. We as parents may tend to identify with the child that mirrors our own character traits. We may come to have more compassion for the child whose thoughts and actions resemble our own. However, our children are born differently and may develop differently. Some will be hunters and some will be scholars..... They will come to have their own identities, their own needs, and their own interests, but…… as different as our children are, we as parents must celebrate what we love about each individually.
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Along with sibling strife comes sibling reconciliation. Jumping ahead (and I don't believe the Rabbi will mind if we tell the end of the story). Jacob, after fleeing Esau’s wrath 34 years earlier for stealing his blessing, finally returns home. Expecting a confrontation, he actually receives a kiss from his brother Esau. They have reconciled. So, as we consider what enabled these two brothers after years of bad feelings to finally embrace again, let us keep in mind that there may be lessons for us as well. Perhaps Esau matured emotionally and spiritually and realized that he could be successful on his own merits without the assumed entitlements of being the first born. Perhaps Jacob also transcended his selfish personality trait and became a more giving human being not only to his brother but to others around him.Just like siblings are the building blocks of the family, our adult contacts- our friends, co-workers, neighbors become on a larger scale...our siblings, in the larger family, the family of man. Take for instance the words "brotherhood" and "sisterhood". These are words that grow out of our sibling relationships describing the ideal in human connection.……The women’s auxiliary in this synagogue is referred to as “the sisterhood” ,and not to be outdone the newly formed Men’s Club is exhibiting their own spirit of brotherhood. Some of us may have been members of the Greek system in college. We refer to our house mates as fraternity brothers or sorority sisters sharing a home and common values, much the way siblings are raised in a family. We might refer to our best friends in much the same way…..You are like a brother to me. Here we are using terms of endearment that connect us together like family.

Some of us here today may not have a sibling, some of us may have lost a sibling, or maybe you have a sibling that is separated from you by years or perhaps you are a parent to siblings, but there is a message here for all of us: caring for and sharing with one another will make us better people and in the end makes for a stronger community, an approach that can help us all live more fulfilling lives.

It is my hope today that my children, despite their differences, will continue to share with one another and to care for one another. It is my hope that all of the families here today in the narrow sense and all of us in this community in the broader sense will continue to deliver generosity and justice for each other L'dor vador from generation to generation..... Our ancestors like Jacob and Esau and their parents, are not always easy to understand. They weren’t perfect. They were human, which is precisely the reason that we can learn from them.

Our Torah is not only a historical document and a spiritual guide, but it is also a collection of stories that provide examples of human interaction. May these stories motivate us to change our lives for the better. May the stormy waters of our childhood lead to calmer seas as adults. May we as parents be inspired to avoid favoritism. May we as a society continue our collective concern for each other's welfare. And finally, may we be inspired to build happiness in our own families and in the greater family, the family of man.
Amen.

Gus Galante